intestinal transit (delicate readers be forewarned)

so i have absolutely nothing to report on the crafty side. i lounged this weekend away and did math (balanced the checkbook) and paid bills last night. fun. yeah. but what i do have to report is a warning to consumers. whatever you do, DO NOT buy dannon's activia yogurt. i guess i should have been tipped off by the commercials. have you seen them? you know the girl doesnt feel like going out with her friend, her reasoning involving groaning and a general rub of the abdominal area. confusing, no? well, being the sucker that i am, i see that the activia is on sale and i decide to buy some. tip-off number two perhaps (the slashing of prices). now, i must say that i am a lover of pretty much any dairy product, and not at all afraid of bacteria cultures. my mom used to make us drink acidophilus milk when we were kids for our complexion and general well being. thanks mom. i bring home my blueberry activia and have one at lunch last week. before i eat it, i decide to read up on the webpage. a bunch of blather about "regulating the digestive system" and "reducing long intestinal transit time" which is just a nice way of saying it makes you poop. here is a bit of personal information that you may or may not wish to know about me. i am not a frequent pooper. i would say once, maybe twice a week. david likes to tell me that i am literally full of it. i guess i probably am, which is why i bought the activia. after having consumed three 4oz containers chock full of their patented "bifidus regularis" i am here to tell you that this stuff is deadly. i have been emitting a cloud of the most foul smelling gas imaginable for the last few days. it takes all of my will power (and a little rectal strength) to keep the stuff in while i am at work. i rush home and let loose the terror on my poor family. it is bad. really bad. so bad that i felt the need to warn anyone who may be thinking of purchasing this product, at the cost of my own personal embarrassment. not really, i dont get embarrassed by much. but still, if you have to be in public and you dont want to experience the constant strain of retaining your nasty gas so as not to physically harm passers by, do not, i repeat, do not eat activia. those bifidus regularises are evil little buggers...